Trying to generate creativity...

I think most people find me cold, abrasive and stuck up. I am fully aware that that’s the image I give. I can’t really help it, though. I’m not a talkative, fun person. I don’t small talk, unless it’s with close friends. Otherwise it just becomes awkward (unless I mentally prepare myself for it; and even then it’s awkward). It usually hurts me when I see people’s reactions to my behavior; mostly because I’m aware of it, but can’t really do much about it. I really try hard to understand other people and accept them for who they are, because I find the diversity quite beautiful (when I free myself of thoughts that I’m the only one who’s right). But somehow I can’t seem to get that same acceptance from other people. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, because I’m aware that we all function in different ways; but sometimes, most times, it hurts me that people overlook me because of who I am. I was talking to a friend recently about how I sometimes wish I was more extroverted and more of a people’s person, and she asked me would I feel better and more myself if I started acting more like an extrovert. The answer is of course no, I wouldn’t. It’s kind of an obvious-answer question, but still. I tend to want to be more likable. But in the long run, that’s not what I really want. A bunch of people around me. Wanting to be with me all the time, because I’m so nice to be around. … Not really me. I do actually like myself; the person I am. Not everything. But the basics. I like the basics. And those rare few who are close to me, I think they like me as well. Not everything, but they stick around anyhow. And I appreciate them immensely because of it. However, from time to time I do wonder whether life would be … easier? Happier? More fun? … if I started acting differently. But even writing it makes me uncomfortable. I’m not that person. Probably never will be. I have some slightly extroverted phases from time to time, but they always drain my energy. Maybe there will be a time in my life when I will be more comfortable with expressing feelings, and generally be a more pleasant person. But I can feel that time isn’t now. I’m a nice person, really. It just takes time to know me and adjust to me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t put any effort into friendships. I do. But that’s mostly when I see that a friendship is going somewhere. Otherwise, I just keep it cool. And rude. And unpleasant. … Hm…